I got fired by a client last week. It has happened before but luckily it is not a common occurrence in my practice. While we don’t like to talk about it, all lawyers get fired by a client if they practice long enough, just like catching bar complaints and losing trials.

This client came by the office to drop off a letter firing us. Since no one comes in to see us anymore, this was disturbing. His reason for firing us was more disturbing. He said that he couldn’t find us listed with the Better Business Bureau or in the phonebook and had concerns about my firm’s bona fides. All the plaques on our walls, awarded by (which is to say purchased from) reputable organizations like Lawyers for Poodle Safety and The International Organization of Associations didn’t change his mind.

I don’t know very many law firms that ARE listed with the BBB. The Better Business Bureau is the original bad Yelp review. Because consumers are more apt to take time to write a bad review than a good one, I always assume that not having a file with the BBB is a badge of honor. One of my colleagues likens it to a mafia insurance scam: “Mighty pretty business you got there. It would be a shame if something were to happen to it. If we get paid, you are probably safe. Probably.” Win some, lose some I reckon.

The solution to my phonebook problem is tougher to figure out. I haven’t looked at a phonebook in years. In fact, now that my conference room table legs are all the same length, we don’t even have a phonebook in the office.  A quick “hey Google” (“Siri, please call so and so” for Apple zealots) brings up any number I ever need. I don’t have to put my reading glasses on to use it, either. I get driving directions, a complete dinner menu, and a host of reviews as extra bonuses without even asking. All I ever got extra from a phonebook was newsprint on my fingers.

I used to advertise on the back page of the phonebook in a very conservative county, but it was a no win situation. The ads weren’t cheap. If I didn’t get new clients from the ad, I had wasted money. If I did get cases, I had to try them in a venue where injury victims were expected to apologize, not sue. Giving up that space was one of the better decisions our marketing committee ever made.

In looking at my firm’s phone number, I realize that I am behind the times yet again. My phone number spells out what I am- A.L.A.W.Y.E.R. When I got that number a couple of decades ago, people still spelled things out with their phone dials. Big advertising firms in every city I visit now have billboards with a string of repeating digits for their phone numbers, either out of concern that the clients they want can’t spell or to make their phone number easy to memorize.

I presume my new ex-client has a cell phone as I didn’t see any wires coming from his horse and buggy in the parking lot. The cellphone has become a must-have accessory for all of us, and is regulation equipment for practicing lawyers. We carry our calendars, maps, research library, client files, and evidence collecting cameras all in one wirelessly chargeable place. A local courthouse barred lawyers from bringing their phones inside some years back but quickly realized that we were helpless without them.

The cellphone is merely a minicomputer that runs a telephone application and people hate that app the most. Likewise, answering machines have been replaced by voicemail but no one even leaves messages anymore. Again, I am the oddity. I like to leave voicemail messages for my opponents at odd hours of the night so they know I am always on the case. Even insomnia can be useful.

It makes sense that I should get back in the phonebooks because all old things get recycled and renewed. Except for my knees.  The most popular communication method these days is the SMS, or text message. A text message is just a telegram without an operator. It uses special abbreviations and for humans under twenty years old, emoji and emoticons. I am aware that people older than twenty use these as well, but I refuse to acknowledge or condone the practice. LOL.

I keep a pile of old maps and phonebooks laying around here somewhere, I am sure. I am going to look for them after I get my lunch sack out of the icebox and wire some money to the BBB. “Ruby, get me TOpeka 7-5309 on the phone, please.”

©2022 With All Due Respect. Spencer Farris is the founding partner of The S.E. Farris Law Firm in St Louis, Missouri. He doesn’t take confidential documents home because carbon paper stains his clothes. Comments or criticisms about this column may be sent c/o this newspaper or directly to me via email at farris@farrislaw.net.