Gentle Reader,
I hope you will indulge the humble brag that I offer this month.
Almost every trial lawyer knows the sting of losing. It is avoidable for lawyers who don’t take difficult cases or settle them for less than they should. They dodge the pain of facing a client who came in second place at trial by not going to trial. I have written about losing in this space, and while I don’t dwell on losing, it is part of every meeting with a client to discuss the possible outcomes of their case. Losing is the 800 pound gorilla that successful mediators have trained to growl on command.
Some folks think a big settlement is a win. Usually that is true but there is a proverb among trial lawyers that the best way to get a million dollar verdict is to mess up a multi-million dollar case. Even a loss can be good if it causes changes to be made that keep us safer. Regardless, lawyers will brag about a big settlement before they will even mention a “good” loss.
If a jury awards less than the attorney asked for, or worse, less than the pre-trial settlement offer, plaintiffs’ lawyers count that as a loss. When asked, they will mumble something and leave the courtroom to file an appeal. Defense firms record those cases as wins and put them on their stat sheets. A good defense lawyer knows that the best gift they can get is an opponent who asks for too much.
I found out recently that I didn’t win first in a contest. My editors here at the Missouri Lawyers’ Weekly nominated me as the “Best Humorous Columnist” among weekly newspapers in Missouri. I was thrilled to learn that they had done this. They like me, they really like me. I came in fourth, but at least the empty frame that used to protect my Good Citizenship Award from third grade will once again have a purpose.
Technically, “With All Due Respect” was given the honorable mention award. Honorable Mention sounds pretty good to a trial lawyer, especially when second place in our practice mean nothing. Literally.
Whether it is because I live in the Show-Me State or because trial lawyers are wired to dig deep and investigate, I had to know more about my competition. It was a little disappointing to learn that the third place winner writes about life with dogs and cats.
Dogs and cats? Marmaduke and Garfield pioneered dog and cat humor and they are long retired. My kids have never heard of Marmaduke. Garfield is so lost in days gone by that Grumpy Cat stole his schtick and no one even noticed. The internet is buried in funny dog and cat videos and hardly any funny lawyer ones. If I learn to ride a robot vacuum catstyle, I am going to film it. Stay tuned.
Second place went to a column about Saturday morning cartoons. I don’t know if that meant television cartoons which I stopped watching when my sons grew up, or newspaper cartoons. On second thought, the best day for newspaper cartoons is Sunday so second place went to the Siskel and Ebert of cartoons. Somewhere out there is a columnist who makes a living covering animated ha has. She probably wears footed jammies and eats dry cereal while doing her research. Clearly sour grapes from me in a tie and heavy oxfords every weekday.
I imagine the judges didn’t consider degree of difficulty in their verdicts. The funniest lawyer jokes barely get a smirk, let alone a full-on guffaw. Being called the funniest lawyer someone knows is never a compliment. Trust me on that one.
I will include this award in my thankfulness category. At least I didn’t come in fifth. I have been compiling old columns for my upcoming twentieth anniversary collection and can now honestly add “award winning” to the book jacket. It has been painful to read my early missives to you in this newspaper and others. Some of them are cringeworthy- not twisted logic cringeworthy like a U.S. Supreme Court opinion but still relatively ungood. In my defense, none of them have had a cartoon dissertation.
Some years ago, I met my modern writing idol Garrison Keillor. I asked him if he had any suggestions for my writing and he said one word- Stop. I am not sure if he meant stop asking questions or stop writing and I didn’t ask a follow up. Professor Younger was right that we shouldn’t ask a question in cross examination unless we know the answer.
My oft repeated goal as a lawyer is not for money or fame, but merely to get some inflection. The way a judge says “Ah, Mr. Farris” when I enter the courtroom can be just as telling as an “Oh. Mr. Farris.” Honorable mentions don’t need inflection, they carry their own notice and I appreciate them.
I will spend the next year watching game films and dissecting what other writers do. For an English major from an Ag college, this is a pretty big deal. If I finesse it the right way, I might also get my wife to let me adopt an animal to incorporate into my daily experience. It is probably a tax write-off to boot. Hopefully it will be the monkey I have long coveted. Or at least maybe a cat.
©2022 With All Due Respect. Spencer Farris is the founding partner of The S.E. Farris Law Firm in St Louis, Missouri. His answer to a ‘knock knock’ joke is ‘go away.’ Comments or criticisms about this column may be sent c/o this newspaper or directly to me via email at farris@farrislaw.net.