I was taking a deposition last week when I disappeared. Literally. It was a Zoom deposition with a doctor and I had paid handsomely for the privilege of questioning him. It was going fine but about ten minutes into the deposition, I had a sinking feeling. Literally. I started to disappear from the screen until only the top of my head was visible. The first time it happened it was kind of funny. The third time, much less so.

I thought it was an electronic shenanigan but it wasn’t. Something went kaput with my expensive desk chair and the pneumatic shock base (the raise and lower thingie if you prefer the non-technical term) randomly and without warning let out the air that kept my big body elevated. I wasn’t eating anything, so I was confident that my weight didn’t go up during the deposition- I am no fatter than I ever was. The sudden loss of height was embarrassing enough without the “whoosh” sound the chair made.

When I first began my solo law practice, a wise lawyer advised me to buy a good chair since I would spend more time in it than I would in my bed. He was right. I don’t know if it is more frustrating when a good chair fails than a crummy one but at least the warranty is better.

I am a fix it guy. I can’t build much, but I can fix almost anything- that is a skill developed when one breaks a lot of things. Even so, I couldn’t fix my chair. If we still used law books, I could have made a stack to hold the seat up. For once, those old Martindale-Hubbell rating tomes would have served a purpose.

After ten minutes online chatting with the bot at the chairmaker’s website, I finally got to a semi-human being in customer service. They promised me a replacement part in three or four weeks. Then they emailed me an engineer’s drawing of my chair, explaining how I could replace the part. All I would need was a screwdriver and a sledgehammer. Luckily, I keep both in my desk. Don’t ask why.

After apologizing for the inconvenience, the customer service representative offered me some other products. I am used to an “upsell” attempt when I want to buy something but never when making a warranty claim. Note to you, Steve in Cleveland, it probably wasn’t the best time to tout your company’s goods as I am sitting on a failed one. I thought it would be a waste of time to offer that advice to a guy working in Cleveland for a west coast company given his non-Ohio accent, so I didn’t.

The call got tense when he offered to sell me a stand-up desk. Long story short, I did buy a foot rest for under my desk. It arrived the next day. I reckon I will be stacking some milk crates or old phonebooks on it so I have a place to sit until my warranty part arrives.

I sold cars before law school (insert your joke here). Back then, the buzz phrase was ABCD- Always Be Closing a Deal. Upselling is the latest trend and looks to be around for a while.

The upsellers are everywhere. I called my bank for a replacement credit card and had to hear about all the other accounts that I could have, just for the asking. What about a credit line increase? New mortgage? Even though it was a toll free call, I wasn’t thrilled when it turned into a sales pitch. Unsolicited sales calls are bad enough but it is beyond the pale when I call customer service and it turns into an opportunity to make money for the company from my problem.

As I listened to Steve in Cleveland drone on, my mind wandered to our profession. Could law firms upsell services to clients?

Non-lawyers can own law firms- thanks again Arizona. It is only a matter of time before “partner” opportunities come knocking.

Family lawyers may have an easier time hawking extras. If a client is prone to bad decisions, why not sell them a lifetime divorce plan? Maybe a punch card plan- divorce two times, your third one is half off.

“On our platinum plan, you get a free pre-nuptial agreement for your next ‘till death do you part’”

Traffic ticket law firms are a natural place to sell radar detectors. The field is wide open for real estate lawyers and title companies to pair with building contractors.

Handling an automobile crash case? Why not offer the injured person an extended car warranty? I would hope that selling health insurance and funeral plans is too gauche, even for lawyers. Then again, considering some of the billboards and ads I see, I am not going to bet on that.

 I am sorry if I seem unusually cranky today, Gentle Reader. Taking a remote deposition while sitting at the kid’s table will do that to you. Nothing lowers your ego faster than lowering your chair.

©2023 With All Due Respect. Spencer Farris is the founding partner of The S.E. Farris Law Firm in St Louis, Missouri. Comments or criticisms about this column may be sent c/o this publication or directly to him via email at farris@farrislaw.net. He promises not to try to sell you his new book if you contact him.