War is Over, If You Want It. - The S.E. Farris Law Firm
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War is Over, If You Want It.

Like many of you, I am sad and tired of this pandemic with no end in sight. By now, we all have lost friends or favorite businesses to the scourge. In addition to the local joints, one of my favorite places on earth will be different when this is over. The Trial Lawyers’ College in Wyoming which literally changed my life is under siege by warring factions on the board of directors. Gerry Spence, who founded the college, filed suit to bring things to a head, and the College as I know it will cease to exist regardless of the outcome. I am hopeful that some familiar things will survive as the casualties of 2020 continue to mount.

I have forgotten what day of the week it is more than once since things got Viweird. Most of my comments in this space weave together in a relatively cohesive manner- relative as to my usual thought processes, not relative to those of a normal mind.  Regardless, this week’s musings will be even less so.

Everyone working from home has noticed the laggy behavior of the internet as millions more spend their days working from home or watching movies and pretending to work from home. Some of my friends have discovered new outlets to occupy their minds, including reading newspapers online and visiting online forums. For the novices, I offer the following rules of the interwebs:

  1. Don’t read the comments. No matter how interesting the preceding article may be, the comments section will be filled with garbage that inevitably devolves into an insult fest. Yes, there will be occasional worthwhile comments but they serve only to keep you on the page, much the way fish conspire to pull gently on the hook from time to time to keep a fisherman sitting on the bank.
  2. See rule number 1. It bears repeating, and even as I write this, I am reminded of an angry exchange with SofaPants319 I had yesterday. I knew better but I got sucked in.
  3. Don’t feed the trolls. Certain people only find joy on social media and elsewhere if they can irritate others. If you engage them, you lose. (I owned SofaPants319 though, don’t believe him if he says differently.)
  4. There is nothing you need to buy at 2 a.m. As days and dates blur, so do the times of day. Great bargains found in the wee hours often become things you have to shamefully hide or try to store when the sun shines again. Ask my friend who has a 30 foot tall Little Giant ladder in his 2 bedroom condo if you don’t believe me.

Some interesting things have come to light during this time. So far, I have learned:

Pants are not optional. While dress codes have loosened due to lack of court appearances, Courts have posted orders that pants are still required.  It is odd that courts would have to announce this, but as the old saying goes, there is a reason for every warning sign. It is a good idea to switch out of pajamas to pants regularly anyway. Just to make sure they still fit.

Aliens exist. While the government doesn’t admit that aliens exist, the United States Navy officially released videos of flying saucers last week. Unless these are Tesla inspired full self driving saucers, aliens exist. On second thought, it can’t be Tesla inspired as they got sued for selling non-existent autonomous cars.

Hamburgers are critical to us. Although meat packing plants have been besieged by COVID infections, the White House decreed by executive order that meat processing plants must remain open. Are vegetarians and vegans now a constitutionally protected class? “Vegetarian” comes from a Native American term meaning “lousy hunter.” Except for their thin physiques and pitiful attempts to pretend to enjoy veggie burgers, they are hard to spot in a crowd. Vegans, on the other hand, are easy to identify as they will tell you they are vegan within five minutes of meeting them.

Asymptomatic victims of Coronavirus can be infectious to others. I (and nearly everyone else on the planet) already knew this, but with so many politicians just making the discovery, it bears repeating.

Murder Hornets? Really 2020? I lost three bucks in Apocalypse bingo because I had locusts next. Oh well, ya pays ya money, ya takes ya chances.

I’ve talked to other lawyers whose current experiences look a lot like my own. Our days tend to have a “Groundhog Day” feel to them. Speaking of movies, I am almost through everything Netflix has to offer. Being the first to find a pithy meme has replaced the good feeling one gets when they find a parking spot near the office or courthouse door. This looks to be the norm for a while longer, even as some race to reopen the country. For the record, my office will reopen when a scientist sounds the all clear as opposed to a politician.

I have finished some projects during this time- by projects I mean bottles of wine and whiskey. Folks with lots of bottles in their recycling bins used to explain it away as a party so the neighbors didn’t think they had a drinking problem. Now we are adamant that we are not having parties- better to have a drinking problem than spread coronavirus.

That is all from me this week, Gentle Reader. I started a side gig making protective masks out of 2020 Dayplanners and calendars and have orders to fill. We have found that these sell best between 1 and 4 a.m., so I have to get back to it before tonight’s rash of orders hit.

©2020 under analysis llc. under analysis is a nationally syndicated column. Spencer Farris is the founding partner of The S.E. Farris Law Firm in St Louis, Missouri. He knows it is not Xmas, but may not know what day it actually is. Orders for Dayplanner masks, along with comments or criticisms about this column may be sent via email at