I am generally risk averse. I don’t ride carnival rides (mobile workers without known addresses operating old equipment that folds up on purpose?) and I don’t participate in adrenaline sports. Both of these things make for a gruesome corpse. You may ask, Gentle Reader, why I would dare print my thoughts on the different types of judges?

Easy really. It just so happens that my high school and law school graduations both occurred in years ending in 2, and I just got back from my high school reunion. I don’t want to go to another one and am taking all kinds of risks and chances now. Not “tell my wife her new dress looks horrible” risks, but some more reasonable ones. Besides, I have been practicing long enough to appear in front of judges I knew as lawyers and am even on a first name basis with a few of them. There is a very good chance that we sat together in the back of the courtroom coming up with the judge labels I am about to share. At this point in my life, being a gruesome corpse is pretty much assured anyway.

I am not a judge. I’m not telling you that because of my amazing gift to state the obvious but just in case there is a reader who doesn’t know me. I realize this is far-fetched since only friends and family tell me they read this space, but I want throw caution to the wind and be thorough for a change. It might be more difficult to label judges if I was one. Since my phone still ain’t ringing, the governor still ain’t calling to appoint me, so there is little chance of me taking the bench any time soon.

I do like to impersonate a judge at home, much to my wife’s chagrin. When she tells me to do something I don’t want to do, “overruled” is her least favorite answer. On the other hand, when I agree that her choice of shoes, restaurant, or a movie is great with an “I’ll allow it,” that isn’t well received either. As I think about it, my wife may be the difficult one in our relationship. Or maybe she fancies herself an appellate justice.

Without further adieu, my judge labels, crafted from astute observation and both good and bad rulings. Your mileage may vary, individual results are not guaranteed, proceed with caution.

Judge Solomon: This judge, aka the baby splitter, always attempts to find the midpoint in an argument. If one side is ridiculous and the other reasonable, the midpoint decision tends to favor the outrageous lawyer. When in front of Judge Solomon, all lawyers are tempted to find an outrageous position in hopes of a workable outcome. Even then, Judge Solomon is not appreciated because no one wants half a baby.

Kindly Judge Grandpa: This category is specifically gendered for a reason- women haven’t been on the bench as long as men and are less likely to fit the Grandma motif. Judge Grandma is on the horizon, and gender labels here are flexible. KJG doesn’t just call balls and strikes in court. Instead, this judge will tell a lawyer if he is talking too softly for the jury to hear or has made his point and should stop asking questions. Rather than let one side have an advantage, Judge Grand helps the lawyers be better. If only KJG waited until after the proceedings were over…

Judge Wavy Gravy: This judge is a bit of a hybrid between Judge Solomon and KJG, always looking for compromise and contentment in her courtroom. Wavy Gravys will listen to both sides state their positions well past what is necessary to make a decision, so the lawyers can feel heard. They ask for and remember pronoun choices. Unfortunately for everyone in the courtroom, proceedings take forever in Judge Gravy’s court. Be wary of Judge Wavy Gravy, because they can quickly become the Hanging Judge, often without notice.

Hanging Judge: This judge is never in a good mood, and doesn’t suffer fools easily. In fact, the Hanging Judge doesn’t suffer non-fools much either. As enjoyable as it may be to see a lawyer get dressed down when it is deserved, the pleasure quickly fades when you are next in line to the gallows. Apologize when you say good morning to the Hanging Judge. Apologize when he rules against you. Apologize when he rules for you. Keep your briefcase handy and keep bail money in it when in the Hanging Judge’s courtroom. The Hanging Judge’s best rulings are the ones you don’t ask him to make because you reach a compromise with your opponent.

Judge 1L: Judge 1L likes lawyers and her job, and it shows. She was a trial lawyer and remembers what being a practicing lawyers was like- the pressures of pleasing clients and juggling life with business. Because of that, lawyers in her courtroom are more relaxed.  She is thoughtful, reads pleadings, and her rulings make sense even when they are against you. When I was in law school, this is what I thought judges would be like.  Luckily, I get to appear in front of a lot of Judge 1Ls. (Clearly, I am talking about you, Your Honor. Did you get a new robe? Black is a good color for you…)

I expect that when this gets published, a Hanging Judge will force me to use my bail money. If you don’t see me in this space next month, you will know why. In fact, if you see me on your caller I.D., please take my call- it could be the only one I get that day.

©2022 With All Due Respect. Spencer Farris is the founding partner of The S.E. Farris Law Firm in St Louis, Missouri. He is very judgey, and wants to hear about your judge labels- confidentially of course. Comments or criticisms about this column may be sent c/o this newspaper or directly to me via email at farris@farrislaw.net.